so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
