i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
