we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
