he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
