dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
