there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
