My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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