Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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