I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
