How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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