You don't have asthma, your pregnant
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
