i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
