And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
