Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize