if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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