I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
