My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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