I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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