I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
