The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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