it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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