I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
