Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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