he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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