I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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