so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
