Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
