I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
