i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
