everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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