I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
