Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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