how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
