I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
