omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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