If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
