My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
