hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
