I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
