she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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