Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
