My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Text me some of your sweat
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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