I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
