How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
