Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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