I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
