whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize