I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Randomize
