I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I can't turn off my feet"
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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