yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
