I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize