when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
