Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
