dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
