Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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