You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
