the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's blow job season.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
