Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
