put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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