so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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